In the trenches of motherhood

It has been a while since I have written. Honestly, I haven't had it in me to sit down and write. I have laid awake many a nights and written blog posts in my head. Have you ever done that? I even considered getting out of bed to turn the computer on to type. But I decided my husband would think I was crazy and I did need the rest a whole lot more than writing a blog post. But this time, I knew I did need to sit and write this, if not for my own peace of mind in getting it out but maybe it would help you other young mothers who might just be feeling the same way as I am.
This week has been a doozy of a week. It started off with Monday morning when I rolled out of bed with my head pounding harder than it has in a long time. You see, I deal with migraines. Oh, it must be my thorn in my flesh! It is the craziest thing, but when I am pregnant I don't have them because my hormone levels change but when I am not preggo or nursing, they come back. And so, they are back. So Monday morning, my sweet mother in law came over to take care of the kids, Clark came home from work and took me to the doctor to get a shot. All of that to say, my normal "Monday routine" was off. Tuesday rolled around and it was just a horrible, no good, bad day. By the time nap time rolled around, I plopped on the couch and said to myself "I can't do this, what in the world am I thinking, can I really do this mothering thing?" All of my life I wanted to be a mother. I love my two children so very much, but at this stage in life, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I entered the mothering world later than most. I had my first child right before my 30th birthday. I was a world traveler up until that point and so now, staying home, dealing with the day to day life of a preschooler and toddler can be very mundane. (I am being very honest here!) I think because I knew what it was back then and where I am now, I wondered what in the world was I thinking?? And then, I came across this blog post and I realized I am not the only one. I am not the only one screaming "help me Lord!" I turned to Psalm 30 that day, begging the Lord for just one word. Just one word from Him to make it through the day. And of course He did, He gave me Psalm 30:10 Hear O Lord and be merciful to me! O Lord be my helper! All through the day, I just said those simple words...Lord be my helper. I desire to raise my children to follow hard after Him. To truly know Him and make Him known. But at the ages of 3 and 1, it is hard to see the fruits sometimes. I have found myself saying (more than once!) why can't you just obey? Why, (enter child's name) can't you just obey me the first time? Is it really that hard?? And then I came across another blog post that brought me to my knees. I knew at that point, I was not trying to raise children that would just obey, I mean, look at me and my relationship with the Lord. I am sure there are many times when He wants to raise His Hands and say, come on just obey me! It really is for your own good. At that point, I realized, yes, I do need to expect obedience from my children, but I also need to show them the cross. As the week ends, it has been so much better than the first. I am still learning. Daily learning what it means to be a mother who is seeking to raise my children to fear the Lord. And it's the little things I am thankful for such as how on this Friday, the week is closing out and my children are taking three hour naps! Hallelujah!!!